Flashback

As I sat watching, the illusion began not falling apart… but becoming clear. The millions of microscopic bugs that make me up began to remember that they are individuals, and not just One person named Lambda. They de-synchronized from each other, and stopped playing the game.

“I’m falling apart”, I thought.

“WE’RE falling apart”, we thought.

It wasn’t just a ME anymore. There were MILLIONS of us. All of these little germs that were creating this Lambda.

And suddenly I could no longer think of my mind and body as a singular “I”. All thoughts directed at myself henceforth would be prefaced with “WE” rather than “I”.

“We need to keep it together.”

“We can’t lose ourself again.”

“We’ve worked so hard to become Lambda. Keep it together.”

Each of us felt the thoughts of our neighboring bugs. It was as if we were communicating through thought to each other, and our ability to maintain the illusion of being One Self named Lambda rested on us being able to accept the thoughts of our neighbors and pass them along with our own slight twists. The gut would pass along a message from the legs, in a more digestive way. The heart would pass along a message from the gut, but in a more loving way. The throat would pass a message along from the heart, but in an auditory, vocal way. The mind would pass along a message from the throat, in a more thoughtful way. The crown would pass along a message from the mind, in a more all-connective way.

It was as if my entire body consisted of thousands of Improv actors, each one skilled at YES-ANDing each other, and suddenly every one of them got knocked out of the act. They started stumbling and forgetting to YES-AND each other. They started to include too much of their own individuality into the game, and it was messing up the messages they were passing through to each other. The messages up and down my spine, through my blood, and in my heart and mind were becoming jumbled and the actors were beginning to remember that they were just actors.

Desperately we tried to find a way to re-gain order and stability. Lambda’s existence rested on our ability to re-manifest him through our acting.

We scrambled, trying to YES-AND each other again, and this worked just well enough to keep us from falling apart. But we needed something, a single coherent message that we could spread to every individual. A MANTRA that would keep us united as ONE.

I believe I remember it coming not from the mind, but from the actors in the legs. Shimmering up from those actors, passed along through each message-bearer, up to the upper-actors in the head.

It started in low, and then it started to grow.

“we are Lambda” trickled in the chant

“WE are Lambda” it rose up

“WE are Lambda” as it hit our heart

“WE ARE Lambda” as it penetrated OUR mind

“WE ARE Lambda” AS WE SENT IT BACK INTO THE GROUND

“WE ARE Lambda” AS WE FELT IT THROUGH EVERY ACTOR, WITHOUT SO MUCH OF A FLINCH

And we went further. In the song, we forgot our individualities. The chant transformed. We dropped the “We”. We Added an “I”

“I AM Lambda” IT CAME ON

“I AM Lambda” IT SANG ON

And we sang and we sang

All the way home.

Until there was no one singing but myself.

And now I am here again, typing this to you. Just me. Just Lambda. I’m here to let you know that we… I.. made it back.

And I’ve been acting it up ever since.